In which I am still plagued by the ivy poison

Can you stand another poison ivy post? I know that most of you are thinking, "Enough already. No one ever died from poison ivy."

And.

I get it, I really do. But seriously, y'all, I have had enough. I am going to regal you with photos that I took. I feel like this should be documented for posterity.

Here are my legs. It looks like someone wielding a poison ivy cat o' nine tails done whipped me good. This is straight up nasty. Ew. Also, I have been unable to shave my legs during all of this and the hair has grown so unbelievably long I am actually in awe of it. I am considering cutting it off and weaving quilts out of it for the homeless. Nothing says I care about you more than a blanket weaved from human hair.

My left arm and a better shot of my leg. I have the same splotches show here on some private upper body regions. One would think that I was gardening topless from where the rash has materialized, but I don't do that anymore.

Ah, yes. My right arm. The underside looks exactly the same as the outside part. Not only is it painful, it is embarrassing. The song Strawberry Fields Forever and the urban legend about what the song really means springs to mind when I look at it.


I asked Kevin if he was embarrassed to be seen out with me and he said, Why? Because you look like a heroin addict? Everybody is a comedian. He has had poison ivy a countless number of times, he even dealt with a nasty breakout of poison sumac on vacation one year, so he knows what I am experiencing. He said to me the other night, "Now you know what it has been like for me."

Yes. Yes I do. But now I care more because it is happening to me. I told him that this is the worst thing to ever happen to me, from a physical appearance standpoint, in my entire life. And that includes the time when I was a sophomore in high school and my mother gave me a spiral perm. Remember the spiral perms that were all the rage in 1987? Well, we thought that if we used the really small perm rods we could achieve the same look. Turns out it gave me a kinky, tight perm that in no way shape or form resembled the spiral perm look. To say that my hair was poofy and big is an understatement. I sang in the high school choir and our teacher had to position people around my hair. The entire alto section was askew because of my foray into the spiral perm arena.

Anyhoodle. I have tried everything. Steroids. Cortisone cream. Zanfel. Epsom salt baths. Aveeno baths. Baking soda paste. Apple cider vinegar. Toothpaste. Alcohol. (Not the drinking kind...although I have come close) Aloe vera. Plantain. Goldenseal. Diaper rash cream. Anything you can imagine, I have tried. I have come to the conclusion that I am immune to modern medicine. This is a scourge on me.

It is true, I will not die from poison ivy, I just feel like I will.

Wah.Wah.Wah.

***I don't know why the comments are not showing up. Blogger and I are not getting along today.