This Is Going To Be Hard To Type

I really don't know how else to say this, so I am just going to say it, we are putting the boys in school next week. (dramatic pause, writer waits for readers mouths to close.)

When I first began homeschooling the kids, I thought it would be forever and I jumped right in and hit the pavement running. My run has gone from easy and fun to hard. Really hard. I no longer find joy in the job of homeschooling my boys, it has become an evil taskmaster that laughs in my face daily. I am always on the edge, I yell and then feel guilty for it. I see the faces of my children, they know I am not enjoying being their teacher. I am doing more harm than good and we all need a break.

Yesterday was bad. Very bad, too bad to even talk about. I called Kevin and said, I can't do this anymore, I just can't. He said, fine, we'll take care of it when I get home. When he came home, he had already called Calvary, the school that our church runs, and the administrator said both boys could start next week. I felt relieved for a moment and then, overwhelming guilt. Guilt because I wanted them to go and guilt because I don't want them to go. I began to cry, I cried for a long time, I'm crying now.

This is so hard for me, I rarely let anyone outside of my family know that I am not alright. I'm the girl who has it all together, who can do it all, who makes it look easy, except for, I'm not that girl. She does not exist. She was a figment of my imagination. I place unreal expectations on myself. I have standards for myself that I cannot live up to and that makes me feel like a miserable failure.

I was so afraid that Kevin was going to be angry with me. When I told my mother that, she said, Kevin? Mad at you? Never. He wasn't mad, he isn't mad. He is relieved that we are taking a break.

I don't know what will happen in the future. Maybe they will go to school for this year and come home next year. I am not saying I will never homeschool again, I just need a break for now.

Everyday I get up and get on my knees before God. I ask Him for strength and wisdom. I commit my children to Him, daily. I believed that God wanted us to homeschool and I was obedient to what He called me to do. This was not an easy decision, but I feel peace right now. When I think about them attending Calvary Christian School, I feel at rest.

I don't know what else to say. If you have questions, I will answer them. I will still blog and visit all of you, I love hearing about your homeschooling adventures.

I should add that this morning I had a totally new outlook and the mood of the house felt lighter. The boys helped me make eggs for breakfast and we baked some muffins. We sang to some Audio Adrenaline and recited bible verses. We had fun. We laughed and enjoyed each other. I am loving being a mother again, without the pressure of school.

I'm gonna go kiss my babies!