February 25, 2007

And The Oscar Goes To...

So I tried to watch the Oscars but Al Gore, the big bag 'o wind, ruined it for me. Seriously Al, you lost. Get over it. And Leo? Stop with the save the planet shtick. I recycle, what more do you want? Don't even get me started on the global warming nonsense. The Oscars seem so political and agenda driven. It's too much.

Moving on.

What I really began to think of though was this. If I were to win an Oscar, what would I win it for? I've never been in a movie, unless you count my wedding video.

A few thoughts came to mind and so I have prepared some speeches.

I'd like to thank the Academy for this award for diapering. It's a dirty job, yes, it is, but I do it faithfully. Thank-you for seeing as more than a butt-wiper. Thank-you for seeing me as a real live person on the other end of the poop!

I'd like to thank the Academy for this award for grocery shopping. The thankless job of shlepping to the store only to realize that you have forgotten the list at home and having to rely on your powers of recall which have been weakened severely by age and childbearing. I would do it all again though, the getting whacked in the ankles by senior citizens wielding carts with cock-eyed wheels. Realizing, upon loading all of my items onto the belt, that I have forgotten the milk. Again. And even the way that I always seem to get in the line where the cashiers are changing shifts and as they are changing cash boxes always feel the need to make all of the faces on the dollar bills face the same way. I would do all of these things again just for the chance to nourish my family! Thank-you, Academy.

What would you win an Oscar in? Ending sentences with prepositions, like me?

Look to the finish!


mindy said...

Well, since I no longer remember how to change diapers, and my grocery shopping is shakey, at best...it wouldn't be for those two things!! However, I would like to thank the academy for the award going to the woman who spends the most time on her laptop!

Ya' think Al Gore has been eating a few twinkys since leaving the White House? I couldn't bear to watch him last night...not even to see the dresses.

Carrie K. said...

I'd probably win one for Best Counting to Ten and Mommy Time-outs. Maybe Best Pretend Patience? Or Best Chocolate Stress-eater. ;)

Donna Boucher said...

You forgot hair and makeup.
Don't you wish :o)

Opinionated Seat filler.
Thank you, thank you very much.

Bridget said...

I would also win for grocery shopping, it's a joke in my family that when I leave work the car automatically goes to the grocery store because there is always that one other thing I have forgotten. again. I also would win for the most threats not followed through. I threaten, they look pitiful and I just can't help myself.

Dy said...

A speech? You didn't tell me you'd be expecting a speech! I mean, seriously, at least the actors have some heads up through the nomination process. I did humorous interp, not extemporaneous speaking! ACK!

Know what I love about the whole awards hullabaloo? The Hollywood Elite take themselves soooo seriously, as ambassadors of whatever oxygen-deprived world they inhabit... and everybody watches for the dresses. That's it. Bring on the gowns and the sparkly things, and just walk, quietly, past the photographers. That's all anybody wants from these people.


CMB said...

I would like to thank the Academy for this award in finding the lost items of my household. As soon as I hear the words, Do you know where I left...? I begin to search my brain for the last place I saw .... I was born with this gift, but thank you for recognizing that I have it.

Boy - that was FUN!!

Laney said...

ROFL Cara!! You are singing my song!

You are so right, Dy! Just look pretty and SHUT-UP!!:-)

Jules said...

I would like to thank the academy for recognizing the work I have done on my mediation skills. One hundred times a day or more, as I utter those famous words, "We do not hit our brother. We ask for what we want. We do not scream at each other in this house.", I am reminded that in the end, I really am too good to be true. Thank you, academy, for finally realizing that as well. ;)

J-Lynn said...

ROFL hey, I face all my bills the right way. Doesn't everybody? ;-)

happymainemom said...

"And the Oscar for procrastination goes to.....Happymainemom!" Yeah, that would be my award.

Yup...twinkies + global warming + get over it already + political agenda = threw-up a little in my mouth. That's how I sum that up!